Flash Fiction Competition #1- RESULTS

Welcome to our first Flash Fiction competition! Below are the entries for the theme of ‘humour’.

We had a good response to our first competition, many thanks to all who entered and voted. The winner is…..

I Don’t Know Why by Alan Owens

Congratulations to Alan – his piece will be included in a special iPamphlet to be published at the end of the year.

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I Don’t Know Why

They all stared at the new arrival.
“A cow?” said the dog. “Seriously?”
The cow looked around in bewilderment. “What are you all doing here?” she asked.
“Well,” said the spider, “she swallowed me to catch the fly, then the bird to catch me, and it’s just gone on from there.”
“Have you never tried to escape?” asked the cow.
“We did have a plan,” said the spider, “to wiggle and jiggle and tiggle in unison to make her sick, but someone vetoed the idea.”
“Listen,” said the cat, “when your only way of cleaning yourself is to lick your own fur, you do not want to travel at speed in a jet of someone else’s vomit.”
“But why am I here?” asked the cow.
“Beats me,” said the bird, “since there is no known case of a cow catching a dog.”
That was when they heard the neighing.
“She has got to be kidding,” said the cat.

Alan Owens
@TinmanDoneBadly

 

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Teeth

32 permanent teeth of mine
Chew, bite, eat and dine
Been around a good few years
Abused by sugar, tea and beers
My full set of two and thirty
All caried and decayed, rotten and dirty
Niggling pains, nagging aches
Malaligned and a few breaks.
Off to see the dentist’s chair
All my teeth in need of repair
X-rays, poking, prodding, drilling
Some more fillings and root-canaling
Amalgam, ceramic, porcelain, the lot
Not a tooth remains without a blot
Each visit brings more heart-break
One more tooth replaced by a fake.

All I want is some more time
To cherish these 32 teeth of mine
Too early for a set of dentures
Implants cost so much, I dare not venture
All my teeth in need of love and care
A magical cure for a case so rare
Wish I had a third set erupting soon
Brilliant pearly whites would be a boon.

Vai Chin
@vaichin

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Blind Date

Just look him in the eye and say no thank you. It’s quite simple. Or at least use body language like fuck off actually.  If you come anywhere near me, actually, I think I’d puke. I think I’d rather snog a cobra than let you anywhere near. I’m no that blind ya bastard.

Whatever you do, don’t, you know. Don’t.  Just lick your lips, no, get out your lippy and compact and put on some Frantic Fuscia; pucker, check your mascara.  Do not let him see you tremble.

No, don’t gulp the voddie down. Sip.

Decorum’s what you’re after. Refinement.  Let him see the class act he’s so no getting.

He’s maybe here somewhere, watching.

Fold your hands, look in control. Slow breaths.  Don’t…down the drink. Shit, thought o’ that too late. Bugger.

Wipe yer mouth. Sling the bag ower yer shoulder. Don’t look back.

Whatever bastard stood you up has no decorum; none what so fucking ever.

Rosa Macpherson
@rosaidziak

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Finding Nemo

He was one of the ones with a sense of humour. You know, you sometimes get them. You could see the corner of his bow tie showing under his white coat. Whole lot of Finding Nemo fish in the tank. Would tell any new clients, the older ones anyhow, that his favourite film was Marathon Man. Only some would dare to ask whether it was safe. The girls, because he called them that, on reception would laugh at his jokes but swing their chairs back too quickly, eager to get that phone call or change that appointment.

Strange then, when he got home he was all out of fun. Home Alone. Just two screens for company. Even his cat had decided to move in with the neighbours. It’ll be better tomorrow he’d think, taking a sip of his 10.30pm tea and flicking the remote; page down, page down, page down.

Amanda Quinn
@amandaqwriter

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Delilah

Delilah wondered if your name defined you .If she had been a Martha or a Mary would she have lived a different life.  Martha’s kept things running smoothly and were ignored whilst the Mary’s of the world were the entertaining ones.  What if she had been a Jane or an Elizabeth? Jane’s married well, admired for their constancy and obedience. Likewise Elizabeth’s who were allowed to be provocative whilst pandering to their husband’s wishes.

Delilah’s were thought to be hot-headed and dangerous. They lived in the moment.

Delilah looked at Sam in the mirror, at his long, lank locks curled around his shoulders. Their eyes locked in the mirror. ‘So, she said to him. ‘You want it all cut off.’

‘Yes, go for it.’ He smiled at her. She felt she was on a roll. This was the man for her.

Linda Sprott
@LindaSprott

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A Rumour of Humour

“Mum!” Vincent slams the front door and drops his school bag.
Gemma pokes her head out from the kitchen, “in here, what’s new?”
Vincent walks in and perches on the edge of the sideboard.
“It’s the Year Nine Talent Show on Friday.”
“What are you planning?”
“A stand up routine,” Vincent sighs, “I need an opening line.”
“What do you call a fish with no eyes?”
“Mum! Be serious!”
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Doctor.”
Mu-um!”
“The old ones are the best.”
“Only to old people,” Vincent taps his fingers against the cupboard door.
Gemma pokes her tongue out, “suit yourself. Do you want help or not?”
“You’re not helping.”
“Try watching ‘Dave’,” Gemma exclaims. “Go on, hop it, I need to put the dinner on.”
“Where’s Dad? He’s funnier than you!”

Friday night, bright lights, hushed audience; Vincent squints, his mind blank.
“W-what d’ya call a fish with no eyes?”

Christine Brand
@C_Brand_Author

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